Peek 3:43 AM

I figured that I cannot run away from my Blogger dashboard any longer. I haven't been writing not because I cannot write, or have run out of things to say, but because I was scared of what I might write about and what I might expose about myself. Not anymore. And oh yeah, I can only take so much of my friends' cajolery. It's been months since I laid my hands on my the keyboard like this. I have been distracted by a lot of stuff, mostly work and a bunch of shows I've been following as if my whole life depended on them. My summer vacation is almost up and I haven't gotten around to finishing Kafka on the Shore. Shame on me for letting other things get in the way of the productive summer I projected. I've still got time, my best friend would always say. I will stick to that. I am 22. I have time. Or so it seems.

Where was I? Oh yes. I must write again. Otherwise, as Lamarck/Darwin put it, use it or lose it. I don't think I am ready to lose what will keep me sane for a longer period of time.

***

Lemme tell you how Bohol was for me. Of course, the place isn't all earth booblets and eyes (if you get my drift). There's this wonderful, wonderful beach. Wanna see? Well then, here you go.

Well, I'm not much of a photographer but this will do.

BOHOL TRIP was a blast! Do you know how pretty this country is? NO? Then get your ass to the nearest tourist spot and see for yourself. I'd rather not tell the nitty gritty details of the trip because I'm selfish that way, but if you ever visit the place, make sure to visit Panglao Island. My words will never be enough to describe it.

I'm planning to do more traveling this year. My cousins and I are hoping to invade Palawan in October. It's going to be legendary if it ever does happen.We'll see how it pans out. IT SHOULD HAPPEN! Why? Because I was supposed to go traipsing back to Baguio with a handful of colleagues but I was not allowed to go (YES, PEOPLE. I AM STILL A CHILD IN MY HOUSEHOLD) mainly because of health reasons, but I promise I will visit the area again, if not this year then maybe the next.

***

Our family's getting old. Another cousin just got married a few days ago. We're all grown up! 

The Cousins (and the Aunts)
From L to R: Bianca, Brian Gil, Dr Grace, Tita Angie, Tita Bless, Kuya Michael Andrew , and me

Please don't make me comment on the wedding because I am not a huge fan of weddings in general. Especially when it's summer and you're supposed to wear something uncomfortable hot and itchy. It's all a huge sham to me. 

But the sunset was breathtaking. The orange-y sky and the thick chocolate cake saved the event.

I will shut up now because I need to catch up on my reading. I will be back soon (said the thief).

Le princesse soleil 8:23 AM

I am overwhelmed by the inimitable wonder of seeing your eyes open every so often, taking in the face of a stranger who has been waiting to see you ever since she heard you were coming. For me, you are magical, as magical as any child I meet.

We are by no means related. Again, I am just a visitor who happened to have stepped in your aunt's and mother's lives out of nowhere. I am grateful for this happy accident. There are no words to tell you how they have buoyed up my baggage-laden life. Now I see you and I am a believer that maybe I just need some pixie dust and a whole lot of happy thoughts.

I wish you never get exhausted as I am in this age. A couple of decades' worth of disappointment will make you feel like there is nothing for you for the coming years. But I wish you would keep that peace you have right now, while you're asleep, because everything will fall into place.

I wish you would see the world through rose-colored glassed, but be smart enough to know where reality and the ideal separate. I wish you strength and a bag of humor, always full, to make it easier to slide through the rough times.

I wish you love and understanding. I wish you every little thing a stranger can wish for a lovely child.

I wish you happiness. This, I pray for the most.

Isolation 1:00 AM

I'm not one to discuss my affairs with others publicly as I am doing now but I've been like a black hole and now I'm quietly imploding. Much to my dismay, I am in a situation far from limpid. It's been going on for quite some time. This inability to forgive and forget has its downside, too.

So why am I distant? Because I cannot bring myself into another situation where I have to morph into someone who is even less than who I am now. I cannot go any further because I know that if I do, I will never go back. You will never understand where I am coming from. You can't read me just like that and think that you understand. This situation may look simple, but I am a piece of literature that you have to pore over again and again, for many sleepless nights. It's really not that simple.

I have caved in and rebuilt myself, and I'm not about to put my heart on a plate in front of you and let you butcher it with your fork and knife. I have tried it before. It takes years to reconstruct whatever remained of it.

So no, I will never forget how I felt when you didn't tell me what I needed to hear. But I'm staying right in this spot because I'm still hoping it will heal over one of these days. What you did will never be forgotten because that's when I realized that you don't know me at all.

After you go, I can catch up on my reading 6:02 AM

I have come to take a habit

Of fixing and unfixing my things while I wait:

My books, my papers, my "life," 

I have become a present day Penelope.

Slowly dissolving into nothin 6:50 PM

I've been having this on-and-off-and-then-on-again headache that I just can't seem to cure with the regular painkiller. My table is goddamn cluttered as always, and my room is a mess. I've been wishing for more space, an extra room perhaps, since I was twelve. I want to move to a new house, but with the current financial status of our family, that dream is so far-off. I cannot help but complain because I feel like the walls are closing in on me, as they have been for the last decade. My haunt is a small room, in a small house, in a small country. I work in a small cubicle, in a small-ish school, in a small town. I'm the original small town girl.

I want to leave this place like I have nothing to lose. I want to be like Stargirl. I want to change my name and bring a ukelele with me everywhere. I want to sever ties to things that were never really of much value to me. I want a lot of things. But I also want to disappear. I want to go unnoticed, where I can live whichever way I want. I want to be like a white moth plastered against a white wall. Invisible. You'll need a second look to see it.

Beautiful disaster 12:15 AM

Just when we're starting to become okay, you're going away.

Those who can do. Those who can't... 1:59 AM

I've been teaching for a year and then some, and I've been listening to Good Times on a semi-regular basis ever since. It keeps the edge off for those really impossible mornings. (You should hear Mo beat Mojo's ass on air. Trust me, it's just hilarious.) Their occasional topic is about teachers. Just this year, they talked about how those who end up as teachers are

1.) the rich kids who don't really need to get a real job because as we all know, teaching isn't exactly financially rewarding;
2.) those who are not the brightest bulb in the tree, if you get what I mean.

Let's mull over these things, shall we? See, I come from a family whose only source of income is my father's salary, and we aren't exactly on the rich side. If we were, I wouldn't be dying to hold on to my job. I'm not part of the bourgeoisie, fortunately and unfortunately. And as for the second item on the list, I guess--well to tell you honestly, although I'm not the Brittany of the class, I'm really not valedictorian material. I might have been in some instances, but that's just because #1's out for lunch or something.

I've been re-evaluating my life, and I've been searching for answers as to what was going on in my mind when I chose to go on this teaching gig. Why ever did I think of teaching?

Because the only thing I've ever been good at is being in school? Maybe.

I know the ins and outs of school life, and being on the other side of the teacher's table has been a huge part of my existence that I don't want to let the classroom go. I mean, I can do marketing. I can do production. I can even do news. BUT I WANT TO TEACH. I want it so bad. I want to be able to wake up every morning like a 10-year-old, go to the garden and check to see if the seed I planted has grown. I look forward to seeing if my kids learned anything from me, and if they hadn't, I am excited to think of ways on how to make things simpler for them. I want to make things simpler for them because sooner or later, things wouldn't be so uncomplicated, and when that time comes, I want them to take it easy because they've already covered the basics. I want to give them what my teachers didn't have the time or energy to give. And, egotistical as it may sound, I want them to remember me. They wouldn't remember most of what I said in class. They won't remember the tests. Heck, they won't even remember my surname. But I want them to remember that I'm one of those few people who actually cared to take a second look at them just to wave back. I want them to remember the dodge ball games and lunches where we shared stories that were inappropriate for the classroom. I want them to remember the Why's of the lessons, instead of just the What's.

I hope by then they'd be reminded of how life could be easy breezy sometimes, like it was in my English class.

So maybe I don't make much. Maybe I can't even add 48 and 67 in my head. But I can teach. I can definitely teach.